Caroline’s due date

Caroline could have been two years old now-ish. She was due August 2, 2011, but didn’t make it to seven weeks gestation.

After we lost Joshua in July, I went back on birth control and tried not to think about it. We weren’t planning on having kids yet anyway and for some crazy reason I thought if I ignored it it would go away.

It didn’t. I couldn’t concentrate at work and all I could think about was having a baby to hold. I knew I couldn’t replace Josh, but I felt so empty. My arms ached to hold my child. I convinced my husband we should try again.

The month I went off the pill I got pregnant again. I was so lucky! I had been praying every day for a healthy baby, and I continued to. I was sure that this was going to be it. I mean it was almost a 50/50 chance of survival, so I should get one baby for two pregnancies. That seemed as fair as it could get.  (In reality, I do know that there was still a 50% chance of miscarriage and that the previous one actually affected nothing as far as my chances went.)

I was confused December 7th when I started bleeding and I called the doctor. She said to come in right away, so I went in first thing the next morning. They found nothing on the ultrasound. She measured my hCG, and said to come again in two days to make sure it was increasing. On December 10th, they determined my hCG wasn’t increasing and I was miscarrying again. I wept in the little curtained area they gave me while in the next one over another woman’s baby’s heart was beating. It was torture. After leaving me in there for an interminably long time, the nurse came back with a prescription for something to help the process along. I got the prescription filled and took it in a haze. She didn’t tell me what would happen at all and gave me no pain killers.

The next 12 days were the worst of my life. I had random contractions that knocked me on the floor. I tried to work but the pain and the crying made that pretty difficult. The child that I had hoped and prayed so hard would live and grow up and I could train to be a whole and happy person, was bleeding out of me. My heart was broken.

So today, I honor my Linny.

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2 thoughts on “Caroline’s due date

  1. Why, why, why don’t they prepare us better? I am so sorry. I, too, got a prescription to induce miscarriage, and it was the worst pain of my life—I still can’t understand why they don’t tell us what it might be like and tell us to take pain medications, it’s completely insane. I wish you hadn’t had to go through any of this. I hear your strength and resilience in your words.

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