Falling Apart

I’ve had Clinical Depression since I was 13. I’ve been on at least one anti-depressant since then. If I go off of them I fall into a deep depression for no good reason, so I need to stay on them all of the time. Right now I’m on an antidepressant and an anti-psychotic to boost the antidepressant. I got put on that second one when I was in the hospital for suicidal thoughts about two and a half years ago, just after we lost Caroline.

I’m having suicidal thoughts again. I’m waiting for a call back from my doctor about a psychiatrist. Last time I didn’t feel like the suicidal thoughts were conscious and I had no control over them. Right now I feel like I’m controlling my thoughts. I’m not sure that’s better, but it’s less frightening. I think I can make them stop before I do anything, but I still know I need help.

I tried to read last night the Bloggess’s post about “Depression lies” because I thought it might help. But in it she says her daughter saves her everyday. That made me cry even harder because my daughters can’t. And my son can’t. Because they’re dead. That’s all I can think about right now. They’re dead.

I’ve gotten the call from my doctor, and he’s sending me to the hospital. They probably won’t admit me today but they will get something organized. I’ll let you know what happens.

UPDATE:

I have been to the hospital and talked to a psychiatrist. She was wonderful. She talked to just me about my whole past and everything that’s going on and how I’m reacting to it.  She asked good questions I could answer. Then she talked to my husband and he told her his perspective on what’s going on and what has worked for me in previous depressive episodes. She spoke with the team and they diagnosed me not with a depressive episode, since it’s not that bad and too short, but with an adjustment disorder. It seems to be when you have a perfectly valid reason to be upset, but your way of dealing with it is disordered, and it will get better one you get used to the triggering stressor.

Obviously my brain’s coping mechanisms are overboard and dysfunctional, so I need to work on that. But, she said that with all that’s happened in the last few days with Caroline’s due date, the “news” and the seven exams I have in the next two weeks, anybody would be having trouble. She suggested a counselor and prescribed some Xanax to get me through the next few days. She suggested I not try to study today. She will also see me again in three weeks to see how I’m getting on.

I’ve taken the Xanax, I’m drinking tea, and I’ve got a cat sleeping on my lap, so I’m doing much better. It will be even better on Thursday when I get my house back.

 

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3 thoughts on “Falling Apart

  1. Im not going to put any platitudes about time being a healer etc as i know you’ve been suffering with depression for a long time and will have expetienced many ups and downs. i hope you are able to get some help from your doctor soon. It sounds like you are in a very difficult place. Thinking of you.

  2. Pingback: i know i’m not the only one | i am her mom

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