Changing the plan

The Xanax is great. My mind has slowed down enough that I can think clearly again.  I’ve done a couple hours of studying today and I’m feeling much better about my ability to become prepared.

Due to my recent adjustment disorder my husband suggested that maybe I shouldn’t get pregnant again. That maybe I can’t handle another miscarriage (which is just as likely to happen as not – a 50/50 chance). He said maybe we should move straight to trying to adopt. I thought for a moment and burst into further sobbing. Not because of what may be perceived as his lack of faith in me, no, I saw it as trying to protect me.  I sobbed at the idea of never getting to be pregnant again. Never feeling a baby growing inside of me again. I’m sure everyone reading this knows the feeling of believing you will never be pregnant, and it’s horrible.

Then this afternoon on a studying break, I looked at adoption options in Minnesota for when we move back, and I started getting excited about it. I wouldn’t want to wait forever for an infant. It will take long enough getting an older child(ren). I would want to apply for a family group, up to three kids under ten. I found that there are many waiting children that fall into that category. It will take a super duper long time, so I’d like to start right away in September. We’ll have to buy our house before we could apply for a home study, but there are training steps before that anyway. It’s going to be a long hard road, but we will have a lot of support. My brother and sister in law adopted their little girl (also fertility issues), so they will be a great resource.

Of course, we may not even be approved, which would really suck. I don’t know what I’d do then. Let’s not think about that.

Let’s think about Xanax working and kitties sitting on windowsills that are slightly too narrow.



4 thoughts on “Changing the plan

  1. I often wonder what I’ll do when I just can’t deal with another miscarriage; I’ve thought about adoption also. So sorry you are going through all of this. I think it will be a long hard road either way, but I hoping for the best for you. After reading your posts, I just know you deserve to be approved for adoption.

  2. And as the grandmother of whatever children you have, however you get them, I know you will be a rock star mother.
    Alex would be as great a dad as he is a husband and son-in-law and he’s the best. I’m sending hugs your way.

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