Exhausted

I’ve finished the last push for my Master’s degree, seven exams in nine days, with four of them in the final three days. Obviously, I did a lot of studying in the last couple weeks. I think I did alright, I’ll find out September 4th when results are posted.

We’ve been taking the parts of my brother and sister-in-law’s advice to get educated about adoption and to just enjoy life child-free for a while. Of course, that’s what we’ve been trying to do for the last year anyway. We moved to Ireland for me to get a Master’s degree while we didn’t have kids since having kids would make that a whole lot harder. We’ve been having a great time. We’ve taken side trips to France, England and Scotland as well as a 9 day tour of the island of Ireland, going into Northern Ireland. So, mostly we’ve gone to the UK, but it’s right there!

I’m reading a really good book called Adoption: Sound Choices Strong Families by Patricia Irwin Johnston. I’m only 28% of the way through, so says my Kindle, but I’m finding it very helpful. She talks about the kinds of losses that come from infertility (besides my actual losses from recurrent pregnancy loss) and says to take some time and consider those and what’s most important to you not to miss. The six losses she describes are loss of control (but really, who’s actually in control?), loss of genetic continuity, loss of physical expectations of pregnancy, loss of emotional expectations of pregnancy, loss of jointly conceived child, and loss of ability to parent. She suggests giving each a rank of how devastating this loss would be /is to you.

Obviously to me the loss of the ability to parent would be the worst one for me, or I wouldn’t be considering adoption. But the loss of a jointly conceived child and the expectations of pregnancy are right up there too. I’m wondering if maybe being pregnant with a baby that’s part his and part mine is worth enough to me to risk it again. I really don’t know right now.

The dad and I have decided to discuss these things after he’s read those chapters and considered and ranked the losses for himself. He’s been so busy with his crazy work schedule he hasn’t gotten to it yet. He’ll be much happier when we get back to Minnesota and he can work normal person hours instead of having to work 9pm to 1am three days a week in order to get to communicate with his boss. He doesn’t do those hours on Thursday and Friday nights so we can have a social life. Anyhow that’s why we haven’t discussed it yet.

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