Still confused

I went missing for a few months because I didn’t know what to say.  I started several posts, but the words wouldn’t come to me and everything I typed just sounded stupid.

I did pass all my exams, and I graduated in October. I wasn’t there because we moved back to Minnesota in September.  I started a new job in November. I love it, but it doesn’t take my mind off the pain. Nothing does. I get very few days lately that I don’t cry.

November 23rd was the two year anniversary of losing Anastasia.  Then December 7th was the three year anniversary of losing Caroline.

I really want a baby. Not just any baby, I want Caroline back. I don’t know why I miss her the most, why it hurts the most that she’s gone, but I do and it does. She should be 28 months old. I shouldn’t be alone and crying right now, I should be exhausted from chasing a toddler around all day and thanking goodness that she’s finally asleep.

I just read a really great article about sharing pregnancy news during the first trimester that I want to share:

http://www.xojane.com/issues/first-trimester-miscarriage-stories

I feel the same way. The pressure not to announce a pregnancy until the first trimester is over so that you don’t have to share the news of a miscarriage leaves us all alone with a dead baby we aren’t supposed to tell anyone about. I refuse to live that way. It’s lonely and terrible.

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