Number Four

I’ve lost the baby.

I found a lot of blood yesterday morning, so we went to the ER. My BhCG was 3. There was nothing on the ultrasound.

We’re going to name him Gregory, my maiden name.

I’ve already ordered an extension to my mother’s ring. A September birthstone. I’ve ordered a fourth Jizo statue to go with our expanding collection. I’ll get the extension to my tattoo on Friday.

My parents came over in the afternoon and there were lots of hugs and tears and reassurances. They left so I could take a bubble bath and a nap. My in-laws came over later with dinner and more hugs and tears and reassurances. I feel very loved and supported. Not so alone as I did with the first two.

I sent an e-mail to my immediate family letting them know. My little brother called and we cried together about how unfair it is.

I told my small team at work I couldn’t come in today and my boss said to take the week if I felt I needed it. I think I’ll take tomorrow off too, but go in on Wednesday so I’m not just sitting and wallowing.

I had been thinking maybe I could forgive God if it was just meant to be that I got a Master’s degree and lived overseas for a year. We never would have done it if we had kids. But that’s not what it was. God has no power over this. I don’t know if he exists, but he definitely is not all-powerful. If he actually does decide who gets babies and who doesn’t, he’s a malicious moron.


Slight bleeding at 5 weeks

I missed my period that was due sometime between Wednesday (1/15) and Friday (1/17) last week, but still got negative pregnancy tests until Tuesday (1/21) morning this week. Another one on Wednesday (1/22) morning. The second pink lines were faint, but they were there.

I had been very nauseous in the two weeks leading up to my missed period and the doctor diagnosed me with Labrynthitis, an inner ear inflammation, since the pregnancy test at her office  on the 15th was negative.

When I told my new OBGYN about the pregnancy, she put me on progesterone supplements twice a day until 12 weeks.

They’re not open yet this morning so I can’t call about the bleeding yet. But I still have hope, since it isn’t bright red, it’s more of a pinkish-brown.

So far I’m mostly numb. I have no idea what we’ll do next if we lose this baby, except that I have a vibe that it’s a boy, so we’ll name him Gregory. I’ll expand my memorials. The tattoo, the Jizo statues, and the stacking mother’s ring with what would have been their birthstones. Greg’s estimated due date is the 26th of September. I don’t know if we’ll try again.

But if he lives (oh how I hope he does!) I get to have a real pregnancy.  I’ll get to wear the maternity clothes I’ve been saving. I’ll be huge at the height of summer. I’ll get to hold my own baby, and smell my child’s little head. Please universe, let me keep this child.

UPDATE: My OBGYN says int’s just implantation bleeding and not to worry. But if it gets heavy, to go to the ER.

Getting my mind off the pain

Today I head on a spontaneous trip to Texas, where one of my best friends lives. We’ve been friends 27 years. I really need some girl time. I don’t really have friends here. I have some groups that I am tangentially a part of, but no one where I am part of the core like I was in Ireland, or college. It’s been almost 11 years since I moved here. That’s pretty depressing.

My two closest friends here have fallen off the map since having kids. They appear unable to do anything after 7pm. And nothing in the afternoon since that’s nap time.

But before that I am going to interview a new OBGYN and ask for tests for miscarriage causes. I’ll update with how it goes.

01/19 Edit: I loved my new OBGYN. She was sympathetic and thorough and kind. She ordered a bunch of blood tests that I will get the results from in a few weeks. They pulled out 6 vials of blood and I don’t remember what they were. 

The End of December

Here we are at the end of another year. Another full calendar year that I wasn’t pregnant. I was on birth control from April 2012 to October 2013 so I could go to grad school. But the whole time I was still hoping and wishing. And being disappointed.

We decided in August that I wasn’t strong enough to try having another pregnancy in case we had a fourth miscarriage. We didn’t think I could handle that. We went to an adoption information meeting with the county, and it sounded so hard. It sounded like being adoptive parents takes even more strength.

I started therapy again, with a great therapist, who specializes in miscarriage, infertility, and adoption. I see her every other week. She helped me see how sad it was making me to think I would never have the chance to be pregnant again. In my heart, I needed to try again. I believe that going forward with this, despite how scared I am, is a sacrifice to make for my unborn children, the first of many, as part of what being a mother entails.

So, we tried in October and November. I don’t know if it’s horrible or lucky that my cycle is only 26 days. I bleed more often, but we’ll get more tries in, and the two week wait is only 13 days. In December, we both had colds during my calculated peak fertility times ( is the most visited site on my Kindle). I didn’t bother telling The Dad.

This month I’m using Clear Blue’s ovulation predictor kit. Cycle Day 11, no smiley face. Tonight is my last night of drinking, hopefully for a couple of years. Maybe just until the 15th.

May 2014 be wonderful, and bring babies into the arms of those so desperately longing to hold them.