The End of December

Here we are at the end of another year. Another full calendar year that I wasn’t pregnant. I was on birth control from April 2012 to October 2013 so I could go to grad school. But the whole time I was still hoping and wishing. And being disappointed.

We decided in August that I wasn’t strong enough to try having another pregnancy in case we had a fourth miscarriage. We didn’t think I could handle that. We went to an adoption information meeting with the county, and it sounded so hard. It sounded like being adoptive parents takes even more strength.

I started therapy again, with a great therapist, who specializes in miscarriage, infertility, and adoption. I see her every other week. She helped me see how sad it was making me to think I would never have the chance to be pregnant again. In my heart, I needed to try again. I believe that going forward with this, despite how scared I am, is a sacrifice to make for my unborn children, the first of many, as part of what being a mother entails.

So, we tried in October and November. I don’t know if it’s horrible or lucky that my cycle is only 26 days. I bleed more often, but we’ll get more tries in, and the two week wait is only 13 days. In December, we both had colds during my calculated peak fertility times (http://www.babycenter.com/ovulation-calculator is the most visited site on my Kindle). I didn’t bother telling The Dad.

This month I’m using Clear Blue’s ovulation predictor kit. Cycle Day 11, no smiley face. Tonight is my last night of drinking, hopefully for a couple of years. Maybe just until the 15th.

May 2014 be wonderful, and bring babies into the arms of those so desperately longing to hold them.

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