The End of December

Here we are at the end of another year. Another full calendar year that I wasn’t pregnant. I was on birth control from April 2012 to October 2013 so I could go to grad school. But the whole time I was still hoping and wishing. And being disappointed.

We decided in August that I wasn’t strong enough to try having another pregnancy in case we had a fourth miscarriage. We didn’t think I could handle that. We went to an adoption information meeting with the county, and it sounded so hard. It sounded like being adoptive parents takes even more strength.

I started therapy again, with a great therapist, who specializes in miscarriage, infertility, and adoption. I see her every other week. She helped me see how sad it was making me to think I would never have the chance to be pregnant again. In my heart, I needed to try again. I believe that going forward with this, despite how scared I am, is a sacrifice to make for my unborn children, the first of many, as part of what being a mother entails.

So, we tried in October and November. I don’t know if it’s horrible or lucky that my cycle is only 26 days. I bleed more often, but we’ll get more tries in, and the two week wait is only 13 days. In December, we both had colds during my calculated peak fertility times ( is the most visited site on my Kindle). I didn’t bother telling The Dad.

This month I’m using Clear Blue’s ovulation predictor kit. Cycle Day 11, no smiley face. Tonight is my last night of drinking, hopefully for a couple of years. Maybe just until the 15th.

May 2014 be wonderful, and bring babies into the arms of those so desperately longing to hold them.


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