Number Four

I’ve lost the baby.

I found a lot of blood yesterday morning, so we went to the ER. My BhCG was 3. There was nothing on the ultrasound.

We’re going to name him Gregory, my maiden name.

I’ve already ordered an extension to my mother’s ring. A September birthstone. I’ve ordered a fourth Jizo statue to go with our expanding collection. I’ll get the extension to my tattoo on Friday.

My parents came over in the afternoon and there were lots of hugs and tears and reassurances. They left so I could take a bubble bath and a nap. My in-laws came over later with dinner and more hugs and tears and reassurances. I feel very loved and supported. Not so alone as I did with the first two.

I sent an e-mail to my immediate family letting them know. My little brother called and we cried together about how unfair it is.

I told my small team at work I couldn’t come in today and my boss said to take the week if I felt I needed it. I think I’ll take tomorrow off too, but go in on Wednesday so I’m not just sitting and wallowing.

I had been thinking maybe I could forgive God if it was just meant to be that I got a Master’s degree and lived overseas for a year. We never would have done it if we had kids. But that’s not what it was. God has no power over this. I don’t know if he exists, but he definitely is not all-powerful. If he actually does decide who gets babies and who doesn’t, he’s a malicious moron.

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