New information – three unconnected thoughts

Today, I got my first period after the miscarriage today. 26 days. It’s so awful seeing the blood and it proving even more that I’m not pregnant.

We still have 5 weeks before our consultation with the new RE. that’s another full cycle and more. It’s probably good though. I’ll have more time to heal and get ready, and hopefully I can lose some weight. I at least have to not gain. The policy is not to do IVF if the mom’s BMI is over 35 and mine is currently 33.

I haven’t told you, our RE was the doctor of the first successful surrogate gestational carrier. He’s been doing IVF for 30 years. His clinic did just start PGD a year ago, though. The other place has been doing it at least three years. I doubt that extra experience worth $4,000 out of pocket, but then, I’d give absolutely anything for a healthy baby.

My hope is that we can get an appointment for an egg retrieval in May and a frozen embryo transfer in June. If it works out, we’d be due in March, four years after big brother Josh was due.

In other news, I can’t help but think my bad vibes caused something terrible to happen. Logically I know I didn’t really, but I still feel bad. My cousin-in-law who I was so envious of, gave birth last Friday, which I told you. What I didn’t know was that she had an incredibly long and horrible labor. I won’t go into detail for her privacy, but she and the baby are both needing a lot of care, and her sister has asked the family to help.  She was kind and didn’t send the mass e-mail to me out of deference for my grief. My husband shared it with me knowing I really would like to know. We’ve decided to make a hot dish and go over on Sunday and help. It’s going to be hard and I’m going to cry when I get home. But I need to help more than I need to stay away, if that makes any sense.

Thirdly, I’m a planner at heart and I always need to have a name for a boy and a name for a girl as a plan. Hopefully I can stop after we have kids who live. It was Joshua and Anastasia since I was a girl.  The name Caroline came to me after we lost her because I was still hoping I could have a living Anastasia. It has been Malala and Gregory for a few months, since I heard of Malala Yousafzai, who was speaking up for girls’ education  in Pakistan and was shot in the head, but survived. It means bitter in Pashto, and some people think it’s weird, but to me it means survival and a great passion for learning, which is what I want for my daughter. I haven’t been able to come up with another boy’s name I like that doesn’t have some history I don’t like or already belongs to someone close to us, or sounds goofy with our last name. In my dream last night I came up with two that I showed to The Dad and he picked the one after a (non-existent in real life) Norse god. It was something like Vadzlex that we couldn’t pronounce. The other choice was Micah. This morning I told The Dad and he said he’d think about Micah. Middle names we are saving for the kid(s) who live(s), after my mother-in-law and my father.

Here’s a fourth thought. Wednesday is a month since we lost Greg and I want to do something with the grandparents to commemorate. They have been so supportive and it makes me love them even more. We’ll light a candle in front of his Jizo statue and have a meal together but I don’t know what else. There’s nothing to bury and no memories to share. Only hopes that aren’t fully dashed, just heartbreakingly delayed.


So so sad

I tried to stop taking Abilify about three and a half weeks ago, because when I tried to refill it, it was going to cost $799.  No decimal place. I tried looking into alternatives but my doctor came up with nothing. I believe that being without it is at least part of why it has been so hard to get out of bed in the mornings, out of my chair at work to actually perform experiments, off the couch. I know a large part of it is my grief.

In any case I decided on Friday (with the help of my therapist) I couldn’t be without it anymore. I went to Target to get it refilled and they said to wait 20 minutes. I walked around Target and got a few groceries and there were so many children and pregnant women there and it was awful. I also needed to waste a little more time, so I glanced at Facebook on my phone. My cousin-in-law had her baby. I started crying while I was in the checkout line and barely made it out to my car before the bawling started. Luckily the drive home is short and I know it well, because I couldn’t stop crying. I cried for another hour when I got home and then slept for an hour.

I eventually rallied and made flan for Valentine’s Day dinner. The Dad made paella, and we had a lovely supper.

I don’t want to do anything but watch TV and eat cookies. Or cry.

Two weeks later

Two weeks after we lost Greg and I’m still exhausted and dazed.

Here are our memorial Jizo statues. He is the bodhisatva that is the protector of children. It’s a tradition I heard of in Japan, where they put small Jizo statues on the temple grounds to honor and protect lost children. Each Jizo has one of my children’s names painted on the back of his robe. I sometimes light little tea lights in front of them. For Christmas I decorated around them with holly branches and candles.

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Here is my mother’s ring. March, August, July and September. My finger’s getting pretty full.


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And here’s my tattoo. It’s still a little red in the picture since it was less than a day old there.

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We met with an RE on the 5th about IVF with PGD. We think it’s the right choice for a next step. But that RE told us we would be better off going with the other reproductive medicine center in town, since our insurance company considers the other place in network and the place we’ve been to as out of network. It’s a difference of them paying 90% vs 70%. and at IVF prices 20% is a lot. We are so lucky that it’s covered. We don’t even get a consult with them until March 28th. The appointment maker wouldn’t give me any indication of when we could start procedures. I’m trying not to be impatient, but I just want to go back to being pregnant. I feel so empty and lonely and barren.