Feeling sick and desperately sad

Getting out of bed is so incredibly difficult. I just want to go back to sleep. And then sleep some more.

Falling asleep at night has been tough because the cramps are terrible this month. I haven’t had debilitating cramps like this since before I started birth control 13 or 14 years ago. I’m also having crazy back pain, almost all of it hurts. I tried yoga, but that made me hurt all over; and a massage, which helped for a couple days. The thing that helps the most is baths that are so hot my skin hurts, but more than one of those a day seems ridiculous.

I saw a doctor on Wednesday, and the result was pretty much – I don’t know what’s wrong with you, have some Vicodin. That helps, but it’s not really a solution.

January and February, I was sick for about three weeks with a cold that turned into bronchitis, then there were two days of a flu-like thing. I had two days of not being sick, and then I got something very like strep. Then my period started, and even when the sore throat etc. ended I did a lot of moping.

The last two periods have been so upsetting to me that I just shut down. I want to be pregnant, and I’m not. I want to have a child, and I don’t. In three months, it will be 5 years since we first started trying. We’ve only been married 13 months longer than that. Trying to have a baby has taken over everything.

I tried an increase in anti-depressants, but it made me dizzy. That happens with both of the kinds I take, so I can’t depend on that. Exercise helps on the day I exercise, but it’s so hard to maintain.

I have zero solutions here. Just a lot of whining. If I find any solutions, I’ll let you know.