They’re still in my house

I very much wish that when fertile people tell infertile people or people who’ve suffered multiple miscarriages about accidental pregnancies that the could cushion the blow. Because it is a blow. And it takes a while to get over even when cushioned. It takes even longer to get over if the news is given in an uncaring flippant way.

So, after yesterday’s post my husband’s cousin ( sister of the pregnant one) asked me how I was. I told her the truth. I said I was not OK with the news, I was really not OK with the way I was told. That the addition of the “Guess the birth control didn’t work” was completely unnecessary and hurtful. I got emotional and went overboard with it and said that it was totally unfair that the married and financially stable couple was not the one that got the baby.

At dinner, I went into the bathroom to wash my hands and she and her mother were in there and basically attacked me about needing to support her and celebrate this. I said it was going to be a LONG time before I could do that. After her mother left and I started crying, we had a talk and she claimed that she meant to tell me for the last week that she’s been here, but cared so much she didn’t know how and it just came out the way it did when her mom got to Ireland. Well, I still cried for the next three hours. It has tainted my favorite restaurant. I went to bed at 10:30 and didn’t get up until after 10 this morning to avoid them.  I only got up because I was hungry.

I just want them out of my house. I can’t stand the sight of them right now. I don’t know when I’ll be able to, but it’s definitely not going to be later today. They’ve gone out to breakfast and to tour the city with my husband and I stayed back to study. At least I have a good excuse not to go anywhere with them.

Basically, I’m in a lot of pain right now, I can’t think of anything but the anger and dead babies. I need to be studying.

Actually Feeling Good

I just finished my first of eight exams for my Master’s degree and I feel like I was prepared enough and did well. I am now sitting here with a warm cat cuddling between me and the laptop and feeling pretty proud of myself. Three weeks until the next seven happen within a nine day timespan. Oh goodness.

Getting Started

I should be studying for the eight exams I have coming up in the next month, the first one on Thursday, but I can’t study anymore. I feel like my brain is full. I’m hoping that maybe if I get some of what is weighing on my heart out there, I can get better studying done.

I put a lot into the “about” page, so read that if you want to know where I’ve been and where I’m going. This post is about where I am today.

Where am I today? I’m deathly afraid of the exams I have coming up and the fact that there are eight of them. 8. EIGHT.

But I’m super excited that after I finish the first one, we go to Scotland for a week to sing Sacred Harp (learn more at http://corksacredharp.com/) for the weekend and then do a three day tour and come home.

Of course taking a week off when I should be studying makes me even more afraid of the other seven exams that are coming after that week off.

I’m also loving living in Ireland, the people, the green, the city of Cork, it’s been a wonderful 10 months and I’m sad that it will end in less than two months (to read about our Ireland adventures, see cork2cork.com).

But I also can’t wait for the next two months to fly by so I can start the next phase of trying to start a family.

But I’m so scared to fail again at staying pregnant. I know it’s not my fault, logically, but I still feel guilty, like I failed them, like there was something I could have done and they would have lived. My Josh, my Linny, my Stacia.

Where do I go from here? Back to studying.